


Unsure

by gforguilty



Category: Person of Interest (TV) RPF
Genre: 2nd person POV, Amy is a sunshine, Bittersweet Ending, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Not Really A Happy Ending, Randomness, Sarah becomes less forthcoming, Shacker, amy acker - Freeform, had some minor edits since the first time i posted it, i think, idk what else to say, just kinda happy, references to the show, sarah shahi - Freeform, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 19:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7726054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gforguilty/pseuds/gforguilty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts of Amy plagued Sarah's mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsure

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction so please be lenient. I'm not a pro and I don't have a beta so all mistakes are mine and mine alone. It's RPF, no offense intended. Set in an AU so they aren't married, no kids. Hope you'll like it :)

You know that feeling when you want something so bad but you know that what you're wishing for will never be yours? It sucks.

You've got everything but a love life. It's hard to believe for your fans and even your co-workers but not really for you. "You should go out more, go clubbing or drinking", they say. But you already do. You are a lot of things, hermit isn't one of them. And it's just doesn't do much for you, ya know. Hanging out with strangers, drinking with them...it just doesn't do anything for you. Call yourself a traditionalist but you prefer not looking for love, you feel for it. But then again, you think maybe you should have just went for the hunting party technique than deal with...this.

When you signed the contract for Person of Interest, you were psyched. Apart from it being your newest job, it feels special already. You've never been casted for a role like Sameen Shaw. It's a tough character but you're never one to back out from a challenge, that's how you grow anyway. And it's easy to fall in love with this character because there are just so many things about her that makes you love her and your job.

Not only does your character make you love the show but also the action that it packs, the adrenaline you feel whenever you shoot stunts is one hell of an experience. And then there's the other cast-members who are now like your second family. Michael is such a sweet man. Take away the limp, the tech savvy brain, and a dark background and he's just like Finch. Then there's Jim, who seems like your brother at times. Though you're not sure if he's the older brother or the younger one because, boy, is he ridiculous at times. Then there's Kevin, hilarious dude and once tricked you into almost dying when your characters first had a scene together in the first episode you're in. And then there's Amy. First time you met her, it was when you were at the reading table. She struck you as someone very shy and lovely and has a very strong positive aura. But you never got around to talk to her that day since she was scheduled to fly off to another country right after the session.

So you see her again during the filming of your scene with Veronica. A few his, hellos and some direction from Nolan. Action. Cut.

Then your characters became a thing, basically the only romance on the show and you find yourself laughing. It's like the L word all over again, except this one was not according to the plan. Guess it's another reason to love your job, the surprises it has. And perhaps another reason to like your co-star, Amy, even more. (You heard it was her idea of Root leaning towards Shaw in the scene where your character was about to be tortured by hers.) She thought that there was a strong sexual tension between the two characters and that made you laugh even more, causing her to ask you what was so funny. To which you answered "I never thought THE Amy Acker is the culprit behind Root and Shaw".

"It's not difficult to play around when you have Sarah Shahi as your co-star."

You think _‘I guess she heard about the concept of "it takes two to tango’_ and you found yourself liking this woman more. She's a thousand layers in one form, much like Root if you take away the murderous part.

It's a great dynamic between your characters, the push and pull is so fun to play. Even Amy commends how it's so fun flirting with each other and you find yourself teasing the viewers about Root and Shaw.

And then you're not sure anymore. Of whether you are just teasing the viewers or are you subtly channeling what you feel too. It's easier to mess around with Amy when you have a reason to, like at cons. No one will really know if you're joking or not. It doesn't help when you find interviews or get tagged on twitter about what Amy thinks of you though, of how highly she praises you and how much she loves Root and Shaw. You've come a long way since the second season of Person of Interest and it seemed like your relationship with Amy has come a long way as well.

When you had to leave the show in Season 4, you weren't sure if you were coming back. Not because you were questioning your job anymore (in fact you didn't want to leave) but you have to take care of personal matters at home regarding the health of your father. And you're not sure whether the show will be picked up for another season. It left an unpleasant feeling in your stomach when you knew you had to leave. Nolan and Greg understood what you have to do so there's no problem with that. The boys sent good luck your way and good wishes, to which you were thankful for. Then there's Amy. The concerned look on her face when you told her about you leaving almost pushed you to comfort her instead of the other way around. She was sad about you having to leave the show but she also understood and respected your decision.

During the days before your last day on set, she had always made sure to drop by your trailer early in the morning, at noon, and in the evening. Just to make sure you're okay, to make sure you're eating, to put a smile on your face because somehow she has that natural skill. And then she visited you in your trailer on your last day of filming and you just know, that it was a different day. She knocked like she always does even though you told her that if it was her, it wasn't needed. And when her head peeked out from your door, she had a certain look on her face.

"Morning." She said with a somber smile as she entered and closed the door.

"There's my daily sunshine." You gestured to her with a smile before zipping the bag beside you.

She glanced at it then smiled at you, a smile that never seemed to reach her ears. "Packing up for the big day?" She sat on your couch, leaning her arm on the armrest, facing you.

"Not really a big day but I figured I wanted to spend more time with you..." You gestured to her as you walk up to the couch. "...and the others after the shoot than spend my time packing. So I packed in advance."

She chuckled softly as you took a seat beside her. "Seems like a good logic."

"Hey." You placed your hand on her knee, squeezing it gently to make her look at you. "You're not allowed to be sad today."

That earned you a slightly more genuine chuckle. Much better. "Root will be devastated today though."

"But Amy shouldn't." You countered, smiling at her. "It's not like you can't text or call me unlike Root."

"That makes it sadder for Root." She put on her Root pout and it made you chuckle.

"Sometimes I don't know whether I'm talking to Root or Amy." That made her laugh. "It's like she's just your evil twin."

"Hey, she's not evil. She's scary at times but not evil." Leave it to Amy to defend Root. You would too and you figured, so will Shaw.

"You means she's scary all the time." And then the jokes just started to flow flawlessly, you exchanged laughter, until you were called on set.

You thanked your past self for packing early because that really gave you more time to spend with the cast members, to spend time with Amy. But you also wondered, maybe you shouldn't have packed everything so you can have an excuse to compose yourself in your trailer before leaving. It was lovely to talk to the cast, what wasn't so lovely was Amy channeling the sadness of Root into her and you just wanted to bring her to your trailer and let her cry or something, just to get that look off her face.

Then you had to say goodbye. To the others. Not to Amy. Because you asked her to accompany you to the trailer. You don't know when you'll see the cast and crew again and it's sad. But somehow the thought of not being able to see Amy made you sadder.

"Don't think I didn't notice you broke a rule today." You threw the joke her way as you walk around your trailer to see if you're missing anything. Or an excuse not to look at her while she sits on your couch again, looking at you.

"I did?" She tilted her head.

"You're not allowed to be sad, remember?"

She chuckled sadly at that. "It's hard not to when a firecracker is leaving the set."

"You still have the boys."

"Exactly why I'm sad, what am I going to do not having a gal around to tease with?"

That made you laugh. Yep. You're never sure if you're talking to Amy or Root. Or both.

You never said goodbye when you left. You two hugged and you told her to give you a call or a text when she wants to. You'll be on the other side of the country but you promise her it'll be like they're just trailers away. And a simple _‘see you soon’_ was thrown somewhere there.

So you text each other, occasionally have phone calls or skype. It got harder for you to reply then when the situation at home got unpleasant but she was there with you every step of the way. And you think, how grateful are you to have met someone like Amy? To have someone like her in your life.

And so you were glad when Person of Interest got picked up. And Amy was the first person to ask you if you were coming back. You weren't too nice when you pranked her, telling her you weren't going to. And when it took her long to reply and the reply was just a **":("** , you thought you're the ultimate asshole in the world for having her feel sad. And so you immediately told her it's a joke and that you just informed Nolan that if he's still up for it, you're signing back on.

Seeing her again was another experience. It was as if you haven't seen her in a decade, not like you weren't texting each other for months. And to see that smile, hear that laughter of hers, it's as if the months spent without being on set with her was just a day off.

You try to make sense of all these things. Why does Amy have such a great effect on you? Why does she make you feel so light and it's as if you've known each other since you were a kid? Why is it that you care about her so much? Why is it that your life, you realize, seemed to be better since the day you met her? There were tough times but Amy made it seem less terrible than it originally was. Is this woman even human?

Then there's that moment of pause when you start to realize that maybe, just maybe, there's more to this than what meets the eye. You've never really closed yourself off to having feelings for women, you were on the L word after all. But this doesn't even feel like what you've felt before when you were on that show. Yes, Kate was great and attractive and yes you were a couple on the show and people ship you together, but this...with Amy, with Root and Shaw, it's all a different thing.

But you have to stop yourself from thinking all these things. Why? Because you're not even sure if Amy sways the other way. Sure, she loves Root and she loves Root and Shaw and she basically pioneered the relationship but she's....Amy. You were her first girl crush for fuck's sake. (And now with season 5 and the steamy scene between Root and Shaw, you're basically her _first_.) All these thoughts are just giving you headaches so whenever you have them, you just drown them out. (And keep your phone away just in case you get out of hand)

That leaves you where you are right now. In Amy's trailer.

(You're often there when you're not shooting and she is. To be honest, you're happy with the things they gave you for Shaw but you're a bit bummed that there weren't too many scenes with Root and Shaw together.)

It's pouring outside and she had just received a message from Amy minutes ago that they will wrap up soon and she'll be on her way back. What even is this relationship with her? You hanging out on set even if it's not your filming day, her having to text you whenever she's on her way back. It's as if both of you are in an exclusive relationship without you two knowing you are. And it just makes things more confusing for you and you wonder if it's confusing Amy too. But somehow you know it isn't.

So you wait. All the while, having these things in your head, remembering how everything happened and how these confused feelings got in your way without you blatantly noticing.

Then the door opens and the sound of heavy rain reaches your ears, you look up in the direction of the door and you see Amy saying thanks to someone at the door. Probably one of the crew members escorting her. You take a quick once-over. Her black down jacket wrapping her warmly is wet, her hair is slightly damped, and her shoes have droplets of water coating it. Moving your eyes up, she turns around to look at you.

"And here I thought my favorite prisoner has picked the lock and went off!" Sometimes her one-liners are as lame as Root's. But it made you laugh anyway, you remember the reference.

"I still look better than you." Two can play, remember.

She laughed as she took off her down jacket at the same time stepping out of her shoes. "You try being out there and let's see how you'd fair."

"Please, the weather can't handle _me_." You scoffed playfully and she tossed you the wet jacket. "Seriously!"

You made a gruff noise, wiping some droplets of water that went to your face while she laughed as she walked towards the shoe stand near the door, placing her shoes there.

"Go get a shower or you might get sick." You said as you made your way to her closet, grabbing a hanger so you can hang the jacket there.

"Thanks, sweetie." You hear her say before the sound of the bathroom door clicking.

"Wait, what food do you want so I can order?" you call out to her and you hear her call out "Chinese!"

"Extra wonton for the soup?" You added.

"Yes, please. Thank you!"

You walk towards her couch, picking up your phone to place an order at that Chinese resto both of you like. Then it hits you just how close you two are to being like Root and Shaw. And by being them, it's both the banter thing and the "being a thing" thing. You groan as you lean back on the couch. "What the hell did I sign up for? I didn't ask for this." You ask/tell yourself before shaking your head and closing your eyes for a moment.

For a moment meant actually falling asleep. You woke up to someone hissing. You open your eyes to see Amy shaking her hand as if to relieve some pain. Clumsy Amy.

"Sorry." She says sheepishly as she tries to arrange the food on the table in front of you.

You furrow your brows. "You're apologizing because..?

"I kinda woke you up?" She takes the spot beside you and picked up a box of her and Root's favorite orange chicken you've come to love as well.

You raise a brow at her then. "So you were just going to eat without waking me up, that it?"

She nods as if without a care. "Yeah."

"So much for _‘thanks for ordering food for us, Sarah. I really appreciate it._ ’" Then she laughs.

"Thanks for ordering food for us, Sarah-bear. I really appreciate it." She reiterated before passing you the box so she can pull on the bowl of soup towards her.

"I do not recall saying Sarah-bear." You say before grabbing the chopsticks she offered your way.

"So much for _‘You're welcome, Amy.’_ "

"When did you get so annoying, really?" You laughed this time and she joined you.

The banter continued up until you finished eating all the food, you finishing the orange chicken first before Amy finished with her soup and her own box of orange chicken. You had your arm draped on the couch before folding your arm so you can rest your head against your curled fist, watching Amy eat and talking to her. In times like these, you just wish everything is as clear as black and white, no grey areas. Meaning, you wish this thing with you and Amy are clear. How hypocritical of you though, you can't even bring yourself to say something. You are Sarah Shahi for fucks sake. But with Amy, you are so much different than what the world knows you for. This woman is just a whole other world.

"What is it?"

You shake off your wandering thoughts and you realize Amy is looking at you with...concern? You were so engrossed with your thoughts, you didn't notice she finished her food already.

"Huh?"

"You've been drifting in and out of conversation. You have something on you mind?" She crossed her legs on the couch, facing you.

 _Hell yes, I do. A lot. And the funny thing is, it's all about you._ But you can't say that. So,

"Nothing. Just tired I guess."

"Tired? What have you been doing all day?"

_Besides think about you? Nothing...which is damn stressful because there were no distractions._

"I went for a long walk today." You tried.

"A walk..a long one, that usually means something's on your mind. What's wrong?" Leave it to Amy to be so perceptive.

So you stare at her, smiling a bit at the thought of her concern. And so you reasoned out another thing.

"Just thinking about things. Nothing particularly wrong."

That made her furrow her brows. "Mind sharing what those thoughts are?"

You wish you could.

"About what happens after filming ends."

_What happens to us after this ends?_

She nods then and you're thankful she bought the excuse. You think it's because she's also sad about the show ending. "Yeah. We've come so far. Looking back, it seemed like just days, not years. Makes me think what would have happened if I didn't take on the role. What if---hey.." Next thing you felt was her hand on your cheek.

You didn't realize you were frowning and had tears forming in your eyes. "Sorry." You apologized, blinking them away.

She smiled softly at you before she uncrossed her legs and moved closer to you, wrapping her arms around you in a side-hug, her head leaning on your shoulder, and you chuckled softly at how the roles have changed. She should be the one in your place and you should be the one comforting her, you know just how much she loves Root and how difficult it must be for her to let go of this role. But of course the case is different since right now, these tears aren't about the show, it's about her.

"Remember when you had to leave?"

You sniffled before chuckling. "How could I forget, you broke my one and only rule."

"Of course you had to remember that part." She chuckled. "I meant what happened after."

You're not sure what she meant so you just furrowed your brows as she pulled back a bit to look at you.

"Remember when you said "it's not like we can't text or call each other"?" That you do remember so you nod.

"Then there's nothing to worry about." She smiled at you and you get it. Maybe this isn't the end after all.

She leans her head against your shoulder once again, an awkward angle since she still has her arms wrapped around you loosely. "And sad doesn't suit you, Sarah-bear. So stop it." That made both of you chuckle and you poke her in the ribs gently, earning a quick "ow" from her before brushing your lips against her head then leaning your head against hers. Letting it go.

For now. Because you don't have a choice. You don't want to ruin whatever it is that you two have, you can't. 

You know that feeling when you want something so bad but you know that what you're wishing for will never be yours? It sucks. _And it hurts._


End file.
